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And then there was... hug pollen
Jean-Francois ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
cccarioca is too good to me, and made shiny fresh Batsmut earlier tonight.
I feel obligated to share the context, now. See, I have this new houseplant...
buggery: i have a new ficus, and it LOOOOOVES me...
cccarioca: *laughs* It does?
buggery: mmhm.
buggery: it likes to be hugged.
buggery: i think it may have some sort of ficus sex pollen. only, for hugging and warm thoughts, not sex.
buggery: sex with a ficus and a human would be uncomfortable all around.
cccarioca: *laughs* Hug pollen?
cccarioca: Yeah. definitely
buggery: yes! exactly.
cccarioca: That's a plot bunny waiting to happen. =)
buggery: made for the batfamily, really.
buggery: seriously. it's across the room, staring at me with its big green leaves, wanting me to come over and cuddle with it.
lcsbanana: *hee hee* what are you WAITING for?
buggery: the other ficus i had was also like this.
lcsbanana: don't leave it all alone!
lcsbanana: *AHAHAHAHAHA* YOU HAVE SLUTTY FICUS
buggery: hey, i already cuddled it like three times today.
buggery: no, just...
buggery: you remember there was that theory for a while that you should talk to plants, play music for them, etc., and they cared? it made them thrive or whatever.
buggery: most plants prefer not to be touched.
lcsbanana: Like my cat!
buggery: but this kind of ficus -- it's a shrubby variety, not like the one you see with three trunks braided together -- they want cuddle. you can FEEL it.
lcsbanana: *hee hee*
lcsbanana: you bought the NIGHTWING ficus!
lcsbanana: Ficuswing!
buggery:: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA
cccarioca: *cackles* The trauma! Bruce can deal with crazy drugged sex, but hugging? he'd commit seppuku with a batarang.
cccarioca:
Bruce: *hugs* "I respect how assertive you are while still embracing your feminine side."
Helena: "It's one of you freaky mindgames, isn't it?"
Bruce *hugs* "We're all so proud of you, Wally. You're a great person and the best Flash there ever could be."
Wally West, terrified: "I'm dying, aren't I?"
Bruce *hugs* "I admire your zest for life and honesty!"
Oliver Queen: "Stop touching me!"
buggery: terrified: "I'm dying, aren't I?"
bahahahahaha that's EXACTLY what wally's reaction would be!
buggery: but ollie would throw a punch first.
buggery: bruce: *hugs* 'no father could ever be prouder of his son than i am of you.'
dick: *cries*
buggery: bruce: *hugs* 'having you by my side has made me a better batman.'
tim: *tranq-darts bruce*
cccarioca: *cackles* definitely
cccarioca:
Bruce: *hugs* "You are my best friend and the bestest superhero ever."
Clark: *hugs back* "Aaaaaaw. No, you are. I love you, man."
Bruce: *still hugging* "I love you too!"
buggery: ahahahahaha the one instance where hug pollen WOULD lead to sex.
buggery: bruce: *hugs* 'you're one of the strongest people i know, you've overcome so much, and what you do is indispensible to the entire crimefighting community.'
babs: 'this had better not be your attempt at sidestepping the apology you owe me.'
cccarioca: *laughs*
Bruce *hugs*
Catalina "Aww, that's sweet. Um ... Batman ... can't ... breathe ..."
Bruce *hugs harder*
buggery: even under the influence of the hug pollen, bruce wants to kill catalina for hurting dick...
buggery:
cccarioca: Exactly!
cccarioca: *JLA meeting*
J'onn *looks at the two of them*
Bruce *jumps to his feet* "There was no hugging! It was just base animal sex!"
Clark *looks stoically hurt*
Bruce *blushes, then stalks off*
Rest of the JLA *blink*
Kyle to Wally: "You owe me 20 bucks."
buggery: ahahahahaahaheeeee
buggery: the flash/gl bet is what puts that over the top into true brilliance.
buggery: mmm, base animal sex.
cccarioca: *grins evilly*
Bruce *hugs* "I respect your humor, your loyalty, your courage. People tell you'll make a great hero someday, but you already are."
Kon, laughing: "Wow! You are SO stoned."
Bruce *pets Kon's hair* "You're always so happy. I can see why Tim likes you."
Kon "Um ... thanks. Hands! Hand in naughty places!"
Bruce "Your skin is so warm ... and soft."
Kon "Wow, you really do have a thing for supers!"
Bruce *purrs*
Kon "Oh, what the hell. You'll kill me tomorrow morning no matter what. Let's make it count"
*Earth-shattering sex!*
buggery: ...bruce/kon.
buggery: YES PLEASE
cccarioca: ^_^ I'll write that PWP just for you!
buggery: okay!
cccarioca: I've been missing Kon anyway. =)
edited because pretty much all chatlog posts require the CRACK icon
cccarioca is too good to me, and made shiny fresh Batsmut earlier tonight.I feel obligated to share the context, now. See, I have this new houseplant...
buggery: i have a new ficus, and it LOOOOOVES me...
cccarioca: *laughs* It does?
buggery: mmhm.
buggery: it likes to be hugged.
buggery: i think it may have some sort of ficus sex pollen. only, for hugging and warm thoughts, not sex.
buggery: sex with a ficus and a human would be uncomfortable all around.
cccarioca: *laughs* Hug pollen?
cccarioca: Yeah. definitely
buggery: yes! exactly.
cccarioca: That's a plot bunny waiting to happen. =)
buggery: made for the batfamily, really.
buggery: seriously. it's across the room, staring at me with its big green leaves, wanting me to come over and cuddle with it.
lcsbanana: *hee hee* what are you WAITING for?
buggery: the other ficus i had was also like this.
lcsbanana: don't leave it all alone!
lcsbanana: *AHAHAHAHAHA* YOU HAVE SLUTTY FICUS
buggery: hey, i already cuddled it like three times today.
buggery: no, just...
buggery: you remember there was that theory for a while that you should talk to plants, play music for them, etc., and they cared? it made them thrive or whatever.
buggery: most plants prefer not to be touched.
lcsbanana: Like my cat!
buggery: but this kind of ficus -- it's a shrubby variety, not like the one you see with three trunks braided together -- they want cuddle. you can FEEL it.
lcsbanana: *hee hee*
lcsbanana: you bought the NIGHTWING ficus!
lcsbanana: Ficuswing!
buggery:: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA
cccarioca: *cackles* The trauma! Bruce can deal with crazy drugged sex, but hugging? he'd commit seppuku with a batarang.
cccarioca:
Bruce: *hugs* "I respect how assertive you are while still embracing your feminine side."
Helena: "It's one of you freaky mindgames, isn't it?"
Bruce *hugs* "We're all so proud of you, Wally. You're a great person and the best Flash there ever could be."
Wally West, terrified: "I'm dying, aren't I?"
Bruce *hugs* "I admire your zest for life and honesty!"
Oliver Queen: "Stop touching me!"
buggery: terrified: "I'm dying, aren't I?"
bahahahahaha that's EXACTLY what wally's reaction would be!
buggery: but ollie would throw a punch first.
buggery: bruce: *hugs* 'no father could ever be prouder of his son than i am of you.'
dick: *cries*
buggery: bruce: *hugs* 'having you by my side has made me a better batman.'
tim: *tranq-darts bruce*
cccarioca: *cackles* definitely
cccarioca:
Bruce: *hugs* "You are my best friend and the bestest superhero ever."
Clark: *hugs back* "Aaaaaaw. No, you are. I love you, man."
Bruce: *still hugging* "I love you too!"
buggery: ahahahahaha the one instance where hug pollen WOULD lead to sex.
buggery: bruce: *hugs* 'you're one of the strongest people i know, you've overcome so much, and what you do is indispensible to the entire crimefighting community.'
babs: 'this had better not be your attempt at sidestepping the apology you owe me.'
cccarioca: *laughs*
Bruce *hugs*
Catalina "Aww, that's sweet. Um ... Batman ... can't ... breathe ..."
Bruce *hugs harder*
buggery: even under the influence of the hug pollen, bruce wants to kill catalina for hurting dick...
buggery:
- lcsbanana: Clark and Bruce on hug pollen would just be...the most awkward morning after EV.ER.
buggery: oh, man.
lcsbanana: clark: *stirs awake muzzily, still beaming*
bruce: *opens eyes. silent moment of horror.*
clark: "good m--"
bruce: *kryptotranqdart*
buggery: clark: *CUDDLE*
bruce: *grim immobility*
clark: *SNUGGLE*
bruce: *gets out the kryptonite*
buggery: AHAHAHAHAHA
lcsbanana: *hee HEE*
lcsbanana: bruce: "NEVER SPEAK OF THIS. *disappear into the shadows*"
cccarioca: Exactly!
cccarioca: *JLA meeting*
J'onn *looks at the two of them*
Bruce *jumps to his feet* "There was no hugging! It was just base animal sex!"
Clark *looks stoically hurt*
Bruce *blushes, then stalks off*
Rest of the JLA *blink*
Kyle to Wally: "You owe me 20 bucks."
buggery: ahahahahaahaheeeee
buggery: the flash/gl bet is what puts that over the top into true brilliance.
buggery: mmm, base animal sex.
cccarioca: *grins evilly*
Bruce *hugs* "I respect your humor, your loyalty, your courage. People tell you'll make a great hero someday, but you already are."
Kon, laughing: "Wow! You are SO stoned."
Bruce *pets Kon's hair* "You're always so happy. I can see why Tim likes you."
Kon "Um ... thanks. Hands! Hand in naughty places!"
Bruce "Your skin is so warm ... and soft."
Kon "Wow, you really do have a thing for supers!"
Bruce *purrs*
Kon "Oh, what the hell. You'll kill me tomorrow morning no matter what. Let's make it count"
*Earth-shattering sex!*
buggery: ...bruce/kon.
buggery: YES PLEASE
cccarioca: ^_^ I'll write that PWP just for you!
buggery: okay!
cccarioca: I've been missing Kon anyway. =)
edited because pretty much all chatlog posts require the CRACK icon
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That's what Dick says, and there's no better expert on Bruce, after all.
*waits for fic*
Uh...
Guess I ought to have put the link to it at the bottom of the post, not the top.
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Hey - Batman hugging Bart, or Kyle?
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I'm sure I could come up with something hilarious for both those situations, were I awake.